Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.