Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
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I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…