Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
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Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food