Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.