My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH