You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.