Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
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At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
This is a whole mood;
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/