My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times