My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
You Might Also Like
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.