Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
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Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.