A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Is….Is this an option?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun