Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
How software testing works
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are