Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
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*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.