British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
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I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’m giving up for Lent.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
If looks could kill
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!