4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me