*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.