My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
what day is it?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.