microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
You Might Also Like
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*