felt cute might bury dad later idk
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
same bro
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.