When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
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*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
A roof is a house hat.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Social distancing in Australia:
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals