her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
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People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
That’s incredible! 👌
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about