[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
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X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old