Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
You Might Also Like
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.