Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Worth a try
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Erm I’m gonna say no