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[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me trying to “trust the process”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included