When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
True
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.