As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Alexa; make it look like an accident
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”