You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
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Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Denise please return my vape pen
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday