“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
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With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Worst Native American name ever.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary