having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom