I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
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i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*