[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
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If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Mad Max Arctic Road
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.