Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
So that’s what we looked like?
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
❤️❤️❤️
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff