I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges