YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
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My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
*exercises sarcastically*
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.