My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
You Might Also Like
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀