Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’