π€·π½ββοΈπ€¦π½ββοΈπ©
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In alcoholβs defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
That π
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think βweβre gonna be okay,β then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Stop telling your kid βWeβre leaving in 5 minutes.β They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and Iβve never been so happy to know sheβs actually using it
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: Whatβs that in human people years?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
why does every fantasy novel have to start like βHe was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of ββ YO IβM NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bobβs superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: Thatβs your eulogy?