My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Cannot stop laughing at this
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat