3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
You Might Also Like
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Lmaoo 😂
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.