this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
those birds must be on payroll
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned