“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70