A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge