Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
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20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Nice try, NASA
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?