My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
You Might Also Like
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
OMG 🤣🤣
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER