🤭😂
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My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
mood
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”