Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen