neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
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The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
This is painfully accurate 😅
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
oh my gosh!!
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.