if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
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I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
それは草
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”