[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
@funTweeters
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
me 2 months after i graduated
These work great until they don’t.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*